


Middle Age Crisis (Again)

by alexandredumas_eatyourheartout



Series: Therapeutics And Attachment Dont Mix But Here We Are [1]
Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Bruce Wayne is Bad at Communicating, Bruce Wayne is Not Okay, Bruce Wayne is So Done, Bruce Wayne is a Good Parent, Children, De-Aged Damian Wayne, De-Aged Dick Grayson, De-Aged Jason Todd, De-Aged Tim Drake, Existential Crisis, Gen, High Chaos (Dishonored), How Do I Tag, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Original Character(s), Sassy Alfred Pennyworth, Teen Jason Todd, This Is STUPID, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-28
Updated: 2020-03-28
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:22:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23356138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alexandredumas_eatyourheartout/pseuds/alexandredumas_eatyourheartout
Summary: What if the batfamily+ Helene Thompkins got de-aged ten years?? Oho, more likely thank you think.Bruce is tired, even if he is 22. Everything is going down in flames. He may have a lawsuit with Target, on the other hand. Lawsuits are easier than taking care of 8 kids. Who on earth decided having kids was a good idea anyway?
Relationships: Tim Drake & Dick Grayson & Jason Todd & Bruce Wayne & Damian Wayne
Series: Therapeutics And Attachment Dont Mix But Here We Are [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1656466
Comments: 5
Kudos: 123





	Middle Age Crisis (Again)

**Author's Note:**

> This is a shitpost. Please forgive me. It's a one shot that I had to write, because reasons.

It was strange, Bruce had woken up, feeling  _ energized. _ He hasn't felt like that since he was a nine-year-old boy. Which is about… ah, who cares about years, it was a long time ago. Suddenly, he heard a knock on the door.

"Master Bruce, I believe we have a problem on our hands. Please report to the dining room immediately, sir."

  
  


"I'm up, Alfred," Bruce muttered as he walked to his restroom. "And what do you mean-"

He paused. There in the mirror was his face, but something was different. Fewer angles, more eye bags. Oh _ fuck _ . Bruce was back in his mid-twenties. But how? God, it was like a bad hangover, seeing himself like this.

"Ah. I see what you mean Alfred. I'll be down in a moment," Bruce called, poking at his face with a sigh. In a single moment all the energy he had previously felt instantly drained away.

_ This was going to be a very long day. _

* * *

"So, this may sound weird, but I have a feeling we're going to be babysitting… ah. I don't do diapers," He said to Alfred, receiving the first tired sigh of the morning.

Dick shot up, "Holy cow, Bruce you look 22 again! God, my voice," he winced at the high pitched crackle. "I hate growing up."

Jason frowned, "Speak for yourself,  _ Dick _ . I'm a fucking Oompa Loompa over here with my 5'1 ass. God, I hope Helene doesn't show up anytime soon."

Tim stirred around his cereal, "I was working in the cave and the next minute I can't reach the floor with my feet. I'm so tired Bruce," he yawned, almost dozing off in his fruity pebbles.

Bruce sighed, "Where is the Advil again?"

Alfred handed him a very small Damian who was about two years old, and very grumpy.

"Papa, I no like. I no like," Damian struggled to form any other words.

"And how the hell did all this happen?"

Tim shoved another spoonful of cereal in his mouth, "Magic probably. I dunno."

Bruce sighed into his hand, "I'll call Zatanna. Dick, take the kids to the backyard and keep an eye on them."

"I always get stuck with the kid duty," he moaned. Bruce rubbed his temple,  _ he's in that phase again. _

Suddenly the manor door burst open and loud clacky footsteps were heard. 

Helene burst into the dining room, "How the heck am I fourteen again- Oh good lord," she gasped, looking at everyone.

"We're all ten years younger… Tim, you're so… small and cute," she half squealed, before glaring at Bruce, who was trying to soothe a fussy Damian. "Fix this. I have work to do."

She took Damian from him, and looked at everyone else, "Pack it up boys, we're going outside while the adults handle this."

"I don't wanna go outside," Jason pouted.

Helene narrower her eyes, "I'm older."

"Oh yeah well I'm taller," he stood up and gave her a look, before shrinking back. He was  _ shorter than Helene. _

" _ Fuck _ ."

Helene smirked, "Now who's the taller one?"

"Fair point, doll. But I don't wanna go outside," he muttered, glued to his seat.

Helene shrugged, "Oh well, I guess Dick and I will just have all the fun together, won't we Dick?"

"Totally. You're so small and adorable I can't get over it," he laughed, helping Tim out of his seat.

Jason growled, "That's a low blow, honeybee."

"I know. Come on grumpy, let's go enjoy some fresh air. We can bring some books to read or whatever."

Jason perked up, "Deal. Dick, you're on baby duty," Jason took Damian and handed him to Dick, before running off with Helene

Bruce panicked a bit, "Dick, I don't trust Jason being alone with her. He's 13 after all but he still has the mindset of, well,  _ himself. _ "

Dick groaned, "But I'm on baby duty."

"Jason is still a baby," Bruce exclaimed, before taking another cup off a coffee from Alfred. "Go find them before they start doing teen things in my home."

"Fine fine, c'mon Tim, let's go get the love birds," he grumbled, carrying Damian along."

"Alfred I swear to God, I can't do it all over again," Bruce muttered while running a hand through his hair.

"Oh, you can. I've been doing it for 65 years after all," Alfred replied coolly. "And, you will need to take them shopping. They can't live in the same outfits."

"Can't they?" Bruce pleaded, already getting a migraine from the idea of taking them to a store let alone figuring out what shoe size they were.

"I'm afraid not sir."

"Very well. Let's uh, bring around the SUV and… some pillows," Bruce asked.

"Right away sir."

  
  


Bruce Wayne hardly ever left his building, let alone his manor. Now, thank God he looked younger and decided to wear sunglasses because it made him less discernible. But the idea of seeing Bruce Wayne stage around five life was absolutely hilarious and even funnier in person. Luckily Alfred had purchased some of those babies leashes early on when Damian arrived.

"Alright, listen up, we have to go to the store. We are.going out in public. We need to remain calm, and I'm gonna lay down some rules. Rule one," Bruce said, splitting Helene and Jason.

"I will leash you if you don't behave like a 13-year-old, Jason. Ease up on the cursing and the flirting, got it?"

Jason rolled his eyes, "Fine, old man."

Bruce looked at Tim, snatching the Red Bull away, "Jesus Christ-  _ Tim _ , no caffeine. I am going to leash you."

"Fine. I want the puppy," Tim whined, Damian glared.

"Puppy mine."

Bruce looked to Helene, "Please help me."

Helene regarded him for a moment, "Fine. But Jason doesn't get a leash, we're fine Bruce. Didn't you ever date as a kid?"

Bruce remained stoic, "No."

"My God, you really did dedicate yourself to the role of billionaire bachelor," she muttered, before laughing sheepishly. "Fine but like, we get to hold hands right?"

"Aw you wanna hold hands," Dick sighed happily.

"Dick, we've been living together for 4 months, I think we're past the hand-holding"

"Wait, what!?" Bruce looked between the two, glaring at Jason. "We are very much having the  _ talk _ when we get back."

"B, I'm 23 for fuck's sake-"

"NO, you are not. You are 13, you are innocent, get in the baby leash."

Jason huffed, "Fine…. Gimme the monkey."

Dick looked at Helene, "4 months?"

"I think it was 8."

"Ah."

Bruce cleared his throat, "Okay, we are walking in the store. Rule two, no eating anything. Rule three, no wandering. And rule four, please don't kill each other."

At that moment another vehicle rolled up the manor driveway. Three figures popped out of the vehicle.

"Shit," Bruce spoke under his breath.

Cassandra was being tugged along by a very enthusiastic Stephanie, followed by an equally awed Duke.

"Bruce, we're little again!" Steph exclaimed, before earning a laugh from Jason.

"Tell me you did not drive here looking like that."

Steph nodded, earning a groan from Bruce. "Yup."

"You look like a fucking troll full Steph, what the hell even is your haircut?" He doubled over in laughter. 

Stephanie walked over to him, "Oh fuck off," she pouted, promptly kicking him in the shins.

" _ Shit _ ," Jason cried, cradling his leg.

Cassandra looked to her father, "How?"

Bruce shrugged, "I'm working on that."

"Go faster," she said, before hugging herself. Duke looked at Bruce, "Uh, I'm hungry."

"Me too!" Tim called, "Let's go to Bat-burger."

"You guys just ate-" Bruce began.

"Foooooood!" Duke proclaimed.

All the kids began to scream and cheer, chanting the word  _ food, _ over and over again. 

Bruce clicked the keys, "Get in the car and we'll see."

"Yaayyyy!"

Helene looked at him, before getting in the car. "Good thing you're a billionaire."

Bruce sighed, "This is why I never had kids."

"We heard that!"

* * *

  
  


Bruce pulled up to the drive-through. All the kids began cheering until the speaker crackled to life.

_ "Bat-Burgers here, would you like to add a side of jokerized fries to your order for just 1.99?" _

Bruce leaned out the window, "No thank you, I'll take large black coffee."

_ "Alright sir, your total is 1.89 pull on up." _

Bruce pulled forward but could feel the eyes of a thousand children starting into his soul.

"Guys, we have to go…" he trailed off as he looked into his mirrors. All of them were begging. Lips trembling, and eyes wide. Suddenly he felt hot and guilty.

"Kids, we have food at home."

More silence. It was unbearable. 

"Helene back me up here," he looked at her, she was giving a look too.

He looked ahead, but the weight of his guilt was beyond all comprehension. 

_ Don't do it Bruce, don't- _

Moments later he was sitting in Batburger, while the kids played at the built-in playground.

"How?" Bruce demanded to know their power. 

Helene sighed, patting his back. "Poor, simple man. Children have their ways."

Jason slurped that last of his drink loudly while watching the other kids play. "I do not miss those snot-nosed days."

"Mood."

Tim dunked his onion ring in ketchup, "Wow. This has more layers of grease than Shrek."

Bruce wanted to cry,  _ what did that even mean? _

Stephanie rushed over to them, "Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim."

"What?" He looked over at her in annoyance.

"Someone pushed Cass off the kiddie slide," she pointed at the playground with a whine.

Tim stood up, "Who do I need to kill."

"Tim, no."

Tim rushed off with Stephanie, calling back. "Tim yes!"

Bruce just took another sip of his coffee, "Zatanna hasn't answered my call."

"That is a rip my dude," Jason offered, before returning to his burger.

"Dick tell me you understand their language?"

"I have no idea, Bruce."

Stephanie and Tim came back to the table, followed by Duke and Cass. "-Oh man that was great Tim, you totally destroyed that kid. Just, perfection."

Tim grinned, "I know right? This calls for ice cream!"

Damian waddled up to Bruce, "Want ice cream."

"Oh so now you can talk? Guys, we have to go shopping, so let's pack it up."

"Fine," half of them whined, while the other half started picking the littles up.

* * *

"Listen up, we are going into the store, if any of you wander off there will be no ice cream. Understood?"

They all gave an innocent smile. If you added halos and a pair of wings they might just be considered angels.

"Yes, Bruce."

And not three seconds into entering Target he lost Stephanie and Tim. Apparently, Bruce forgot that his kids knew how to unlock the safety lock.

_ Genius billionaire playboy, they say, _ Bruce muttered internally. 

_ Genius my ass. _

"Helene, Jason, I'm sending you after Stephanie and Tim. If you aren't looking for them, I will ground you till death, understood?" Bruce questioned, they nodded.

"Good. Now go, and don't set anything on fire," he called after them, receiving a strange look from a woman in the aisle beside him.

"Teens," he laughed weakly. He turned to Dick, "How many kids do we have left?"

Dick looked nervous, "Uh… None?"

Bruce looked at the kid's leashes. They were empty. Bruce looked back to Dick before he looked back to the leashes.

"Oh, fu- We have to find them before they set stuff on fire," Bruce began, trying to look calm. 

Dick nodded, "Alright, I'll take left you take right?"

"Yes."

Bruce tried to get and the idea of what aisle the kids would be in, but soon enough he found them.

"What the-  _ Timothy Jackson Drake _ ," Bruce warned as he walked up to them.

Stephanie dropped the remote, "Shit. You are in so much trouble."

"Tim, what the hell are you doing?"

Tim looked to Bruce nervously, "I… I got into their system and now we're playing Mari kart for free?"

"You hacked into their television set up, opened a console, connected that console to their largest screen, and you play Mario Kart?" Bruce is on the edge insanity, it's a very thin blade he's about to tip over.

Tim winced, "When you say it like that it sounds bad. But yes, I did that. We were gonna play Donkey Kong but Steph said Mario Kart was a better idea."

Bruce sighed, before looking to them. "It is bad! You can't just go around doing this, oh my God Tim, I expected better from you."

"In my defense, I haven't slept well and all I had was half a jokerized fry plus some fruity pebbles."

Bruce facepalmed, "Get in the damn leash. As for you Stephanie," he turned to where she was standing but she was gone.

Tim scowled, "She always does that."

Bruce clicked the leash, "Please cooperate with me, I hate this enough as it is."

Tim grumbled a sigh, "Fine."

Dick came along dragging Helene and Jason behind him. Bruce looked up, "Where were they?"

Dick shoved Jason forward, "When the hell did you corrupt our honeybee?"

Helene crossed her arms, "You're supposed to be the fun one, Dick."

"Yeah Dickie," Jason drawled, before feeling a leash hug him. "Oh no, no no, Bruce, not the cat leash, good God, give a guy some decency."

"You should have thought about the before getting distracted from your mission."

"Oh come on, I know justice is your pimp and all but I don't fly like that," Jason pouted.

Helene buried her face in her hands, "God Jason, please _stop_. You act tough, we were the book aisle for christ's sake."

"Helene!"

Dick snickered, "Busted."

A moment passes before an employee walked up with Damian in her arms. She was glaring daggers directly at Bruce. He tried to look distracted but she marched on up.

"Keep your kids in check, sir."

Bruce sighed, "What did he do?"

"He took the head off a tickle-me Elmo doll," she reported, handing over the child.

Damian frowned, "No more laugh."

Bruce broke out in a chuckle, "Ah kids Iam I right? My life would be so boring and.... _peaceful,"_ he said a bit longingly.

"The doll was 89.99."

Bruce grimaced as he pulled out his wallet, "Right, right."

After he paid her a cart full of children breezed past them. She took another look at him, "You might want to keep that wallet out."

Bruce sighed once again, "I'll go get them."

Another employee wheeled them over, Cass, Duke, and Stephanie looked so busted. 

"They raced through the aisles, and then set fire to the freezer in aisle 15," he droned unenthusiastically.

"You… how do you set fire to a freezer?" Bruce looked at Stephanie.

She gave the smallest of grins, eyes growing insanely wide. Bruce shuddered, "Nevermind. But… _how?_ "

"Sir, I have no idea. They did it anyway. My manager asked if you could report to their office right away."

Bruce exhaled, "Do you take debit or credit?"

* * *

  
  


An hour later they went for ice cream. The manager had been fairly straight to the point, 'if you can't handle eight kids, think about investing in some plants' and 'how hard it must have been for them to figure out how to set fire to a freezer but they did it anyway.' But Bruce was mostly lectured on lawsuits and the fact that he was Bruce Wayne _didn't_ apply to the situation and common courtesy of Target's regulations. So the situation was evaded by donating a heft lump of money to their biggest charity, and to top it off he would sponsor a benefit gala for them.

_ Not bad,  _ Bruce thought tiredly as his kids sat around the table, ice cream dripping down cones and chins. In the end, Bruce would admit he loved them to death, but he had no idea what parenting was and he honestly needed to congratulate any parents he saw. For one, he questioned the sanity of any person with a child, and the fact that they decided sometimes one kid wasn't _ enough.  _ He shook his head, shivering in fear.

Secondly, the dedication it took to wrangle kids. Maybe he should have called Barbara for this kind of situation. 

Damian tugged on his shirt, "Papa."

Bruce turned his head, finding Damian smothered in vanilla and chocolate ice cream. 

Bruce cracked a smile and wiped off his face, "Yes Damian?"

"I tired," he yawned, falling asleep in his arms. Bruce fought the urge to cry,  _ finally. They were sleepy. _

It was still early in the evening when he pulled up to the manor driveway. Everyone was sleeping in their seat, all sugared out. Or maybe it was their arsonist acts that made them sleepy. Who knew.

" _ Tropelet em ot ecurB." _

Zatanna materialized beside Bruce in a cloud of smoke and glitter. She dusted off her hands, "Hello Bruce, how are you holding up?"

Bruce pointed inside the car, "Sugared out and incredibly tired."

Zatanna cooed at the sight, "Aw. You sure you don't wanna keep then that way,?

"No," Bruce replied quickly, making her laugh. "Today was enough."

"Mhm, I can tell. You look good again," she joked, before pulling up her sleeves. "Seeing you like this reminds me of when you trained with father."

Bruce hid the smile that tugged at his lips,  _ good times. _ Zatanna pulled out her wand, clearing her throat.

" _ Sdnah fo emit, enim ot dnammoc, gnirb meht htrof a raey fo net,"  _ she chanted, casting the spell.

In a cloud of red smoke everyone was back to their age, but still knocked out. Bruce sighed in relief, "Thanks Zatanna. I owe you."

"No biggie, Bruce. Just come over some time, father and I enjoy your company. But leave the kids at home," she laughed. "Dnes em kcab emoh."

Damian rubbed his eyes, "What...what happened?"

"I learned that freezers can get caught on fire," Bruce said, directing his glance to Stephanie who had awoken.

"My best work. Can we do this again!?"

"NO!" everyone shouted simultaneously.

Bruce smiled,  _ it's good to be back. _

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Zatanna's spells- (in order)  
> \- Teleport me to Bruce  
> -Hands of time, mine to command, bring them forth a year of ten  
> -Send me back home
> 
> Soo, this took a really long time but all done! Hope you enjoyed lol!


End file.
